Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
Well, good afternoon or good morning.
Philip Clark here with Just say something and welcome back to our weekly podcast.
Before we get started, I want to make sure that you subscribe, like, share and comment on our podcast. And remember, you can find it wherever you find your favorite podcast. And hopefully we're one of those.
And hopefully you listen to us on a weekly basis.
So, you know, summer, it just say something. Used to be a little slow.
No more.
We have an intern program that keeps growing every year.
And so it's important from our perspective that we're able to give kids a voice or to provide the opportunity for them to find their voice.
So this year, we are doing a youth summit for middle school kids July 22nd and 23rd at Carolina High School. The website for that is takeitbackyouth summit.com.
you can find out more information there. And so we've been planning this for a couple of months now, but we're at a point where we've developed the curriculum, we've brought in some experts that know it better than what we do when it's helping kids find that voice. So today I want to welcome one of those facilitators and curriculum writers, for lack of a better phrase.
And Heather is a life coach for teen girls.
And Direct is going to be directing our girls track for the Take It Back Youth Summit. So, Heather, welcome.
[00:02:01] Speaker B: Thank you. Thank you for having me.
[00:02:03] Speaker A: So for our listeners, give them a little bit about your background and then how you became a coach for.
For girls, for teen girls.
And what, what motivated you to.
To hone in on that particular group.
[00:02:23] Speaker B: Yeah, so I used to be a teacher. I taught special education for a while, and I got into that. I worked with a lot of kids who have emotional struggles. And I really got into that because growing up, I had a lot of emotional struggles, and I wanted to be able to give back to the kids and make right for them.
And after teaching for several years, I realized, you know what, there's a way that I a even deeper impact than just in the school setting when we're going over academics and everything you have to do in a school day.
[00:02:51] Speaker A: Right.
[00:02:52] Speaker B: So I got certified as a youth resilience coach. And so now primarily working one on one with not just teen girls, but also boys and pre teens as well.
[00:03:03] Speaker A: Okay, so was that a college course?
[00:03:07] Speaker C: What.
[00:03:07] Speaker A: How did you achieve that certification?
[00:03:11] Speaker B: Good question. So they, the program I went through, they're certified, credentialed, excuse me, with the International Coach Federation. So that's kind of like all the life coaches Health coaches, all the coaches out there.
[00:03:24] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: You want to always go through a program that is accredited. And yeah, that. The program I did, Youth Coaching Institute, they are accredited. And that I just kind of was searching like, what's going to be my next step. I want to not do teaching, but I want to help kids.
[00:03:38] Speaker C: Right.
[00:03:39] Speaker B: On a deeper level, what do I do?
So I looked on the ICF International Coach Federation website and was just typing in like, teen in the. Searching for the programs.
Kids, youth. There we go.
[00:03:52] Speaker A: Oh.
[00:03:53] Speaker B: And that's how I found it and was like, all right, let's do it, and dove right in.
[00:03:56] Speaker A: Okay, great.
So you mainly focus on middle school age kids, right?
[00:04:02] Speaker B: Yeah, a lot of middle schoolers, a lot of high schoolers, but a lot of middle schoolers throughout my career.
[00:04:07] Speaker A: So seeing those middle school little boys and girls, what's. If you had to pick one or the top two issues that kids are facing these days, what would you say they are?
[00:04:27] Speaker B: So I think a lot of their issues kind of stem from a lack of confidence.
That's what I see mostly is that whatever the looks, whatever it looks like on the outside, it's because there's something missing on the inside. And typically they aren't believing in themselves. They're not seeing their own value. They're not seeing how worthy they are. And then that causes issues with friends, with family, with substances, you know, with behaviors, all the other stuff. I think it's like, if they love themselves enough, that stuff kind of goes to the wayside.
[00:05:02] Speaker A: Okay.
That's a good thing for the parents to know or to hear because, you know, little Johnny or Susie or whatever the name is, my child wouldn't do that.
And so do you come across some of those instances where the parents are like, here, I don't know what's wrong with him or her. Fix it.
[00:05:24] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, and even like when I mentioned confidence to parents and they're like, oh, no, my kid's super confident. She's probably too confident. I'm like, but when they're too confident seeming, it's because of a lack of confidence. Having to. Yeah. Show up, show higher than they are to feel better about themselves.
That's not what's there at the core. There's something else going on at the core.
So let's work on that. Let's really make the kid believe in themselves. And maybe sometimes it's their abilities.
Right. The actual competence in doing things. Maybe it's that they just need more connections with people who are healthy influences, who are positive. Positive Influences and add to good value for them.
[00:06:07] Speaker C: Right.
[00:06:07] Speaker B: So that they can know their value. Right. People who talk them up for doing good things versus, you know, offering them things that will get them into trouble.
[00:06:18] Speaker A: Also getting them off their devices would help.
[00:06:21] Speaker B: Yes. That's a big one.
It's like, let's get outside a little.
[00:06:26] Speaker C: Right, Right.
[00:06:28] Speaker A: So, as a life coach and the one of the coordinators for our upcoming youth summit titled Take It Back, how do you see your role as a coach within this particular event that we're planning, complementing each other and what core values connect your coaching philosophy with what we're trying to do with the summit?
[00:06:56] Speaker B: So I think, again, that whole confidence piece, I always kind of go back to building confidence because. Right. Like, if you. If the kid feels. Even as an adult. Right. If you don't. If you feel like you don't have a voice and no one's really hearing you, I think there is something going on that makes you feel like my voice isn't worthy to be heard.
[00:07:14] Speaker C: Right.
[00:07:14] Speaker B: You know, I'm shouting so loud, nobody hears me. What's wrong with me?
So that kind of philosophy, too, to keep kids just feeling their worth, feeling how they are important.
[00:07:26] Speaker C: Right.
[00:07:26] Speaker B: What they have to say is important. Now, that doesn't always mean it's, you know. Right. Per mom and dad standards for the teacher. Right. There's stuff you have to do.
So, you know, but to not diminish what they have to say, who they are, but just bringing that back to the core. Right. And bringing that core up to confidence and value and self worth.
[00:07:50] Speaker C: Right.
[00:07:50] Speaker B: So that they can be heard. And they can also understand when someone else says, shh, I'm talking. Right. Or like, it's not your turn to talk, whatever that might be, that they don't take that as, I'm awful.
[00:08:04] Speaker C: Right.
[00:08:04] Speaker B: They don't want to hear me. But it's. No. Your teacher's in the middle of teaching the class. It's not the time to talk. It's not because you're not important.
[00:08:13] Speaker C: Right.
[00:08:13] Speaker B: What you have to say is valuable. It's just not the time for it.
[00:08:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. We cover that in our Strengthening Families program that have the parents and the kids in different rooms, but they're working on communication skills. And so part of what we teach kids is one, don't interrupt.
[00:08:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:31] Speaker A: And wait until it's an appropriate time. And then. Excuse me.
You know, I know some of us were raised that way, but I also know that that's not the norm.
[00:08:44] Speaker B: Right.
[00:08:44] Speaker A: These days.
[00:08:45] Speaker B: Right.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: So we all Know that, you know, they're cute, sweet little kids in elementary school, then something happens to them when they go into middle school, and it's like, where did my sweet little child go?
So looking at that, looking at your coaches coaching and looking at what we're wanting to do at the Youth Summit, what are some of the specific strategies that we're going to be using within the Youth Summit to help kids overcome that ickiness that they may even. They're probably feeling themselves.
[00:09:27] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. I mean, that's funny. That's one of the things that got me wanting to work with middle schoolers. I was like, wow, they're just kind of, like, uncomfortable because, yeah, they're not cute and little anymore. And they're also not independent like they will be when they're teenagers. It's that, like, awkward in between.
[00:09:43] Speaker C: Right, right.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: And so a lot of that is because they don't know who they are.
Right. They're. They. They know they're not cute and little, and they're also not independent teenager.
So I think one of the things that we're going to be working on is acceptance. So. Right. The idea of you have things you need to do, you have people in your life who you don't like necessarily. You know, there's activities, there's chores, there's assignments that you just do not want to do, but it's a requirement, so you have to write. Your sibling is really annoying.
I get it. But you have to deal with them. So when we have things like that happen, we can practice acceptance.
And it's a practice. Right. It takes a lot of practice.
[00:10:28] Speaker C: Right.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: So that's one of the strategies we'll be going through and how. What that means and to be able to still feel like, okay, I don't like it, I know I have to do it. Part of that is problem solving and thinking, like, if it's a situation. Right. Or like an annoying sibling, you know, can I go to another room?
Is there. What are my actual concrete solutions I can do? And the other part of it is shifting how you think.
Right. So thinking if. If you. All you're thinking is, my sibling is so annoying, I wish they would just leave. Okay. That's not going to help the situation. Right, Right. Thinking my sibling is young and is not even as developed as I am. They just do not know how annoying they are. Or maybe they do and they're testing me.
I love them anyway.
That's. Yeah. Not going to make your sibling less annoying, but it's going to make you less Annoyed by their annoyingness. Right. So it'll change your perspective, which in turn.
Right. It'll then change how you respond.
[00:11:36] Speaker C: Right.
[00:11:36] Speaker B: You're not going to yell.
[00:11:37] Speaker C: Right.
[00:11:38] Speaker B: Hopefully not as much. Then mom and dad aren't going to yell at you as much for yelling at your little sibling.
And then mom and dad will trust you more and give you more freedom. And so to be able to see that these things, and this is just one example, of course, but acceptance, this, this shifting of the thoughts and problem solving, it's an exercise they're going to do that they can duplicate many, many, many times.
[00:12:02] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:12:03] Speaker A: I know in our Strengthening Families program, part of and in our other parenting programs, it's, you know, parents, you're not going to get anything accomplished if you're screaming and yelling at each other.
So walk away.
[00:12:17] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:12:18] Speaker A: Go to another room, take a deep breath. If you have to count to 100, count to 100. Because again, what has ever been solved by screaming at each other? Nothing. Nothing whatsoever.
So you. You may have just answered this, but I think there's a little bit more. So what's your secret to breaking through to these little darlings and getting them to have maybe that aha moment of because you know it.
Trust me, I'm the youngest of four, so I was probably the bratty little brother.
I would never say that for siblings.
[00:13:02] Speaker C: But.
[00:13:04] Speaker A: With so a middle schooler, how do you get through to them to change their perception about that younger sibling? That's just a pain in the backside.
[00:13:21] Speaker B: So I think there are two components to it. One is definitely that connection, Right. So form that relationship, be there in a genuine way so that they know you really care. You're not just doing this because it's your job. Whether that's as a teacher, a coach, a parent, it's not just your job to be kind to that kid.
If you truly feel that and do it with love, they sense it. They know that if you're just doing it because you're collecting a paycheck, you don't really care. So, like, you'll say nice things because you have to. They know that and they're not going to respond well to it. But when you take the time to get on their level, not on, like, a lack of authority, because you need to still maintain that authority. But when you can connect with them, they're more likely to work with you.
Part of it too, I think, is not telling them exactly what to do.
Not saying. If you stop being so annoyed with your sibling and just walk away.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: Right.
[00:14:19] Speaker B: It'll be easier. Right. But more asking questions. There are so many times where kids say things that I'm like, great idea. Like, you probably heard that somewhere and that's okay. But when they say it to me as like, let's say with anxiety. Right. When kids are stressed out, there's a.
[00:14:36] Speaker A: Lot of that going on.
[00:14:37] Speaker B: Uh huh. All the time, so. Right. But when I say to them, what could you do when you start feeling really anxious? You know, like if they've already described, they get like sweaty, they just like their heart starts racing. What can you do to help yourself?
[00:14:49] Speaker C: Right.
[00:14:50] Speaker B: I guess I could try taking a deep breath.
That's a great idea. Yeah. And it's like, who came up with that idea? I don't know, it's been like, I don't know, thousands of years maybe. I don't know when people started breathing to calm down.
[00:15:06] Speaker C: Right.
[00:15:06] Speaker B: It, it works. That kid probably heard it somewhere. When they were told to take a deep breath to calm down, it's like, I'm not listening to you. But when they tell me to do it, it's their idea now.
[00:15:19] Speaker C: Right.
[00:15:19] Speaker B: Who's empowered to do it? Because whose idea? Who owns that idea now? The kid does.
[00:15:24] Speaker C: Right.
[00:15:25] Speaker B: You know, and then, and then when I'm like, great, okay, the next time we meet, how did it go?
It was great. I took a deep breath and all of a sudden I felt better.
What a great idea you had.
And it worked. And now who gets that empowerment again?
That the idea worked.
[00:15:43] Speaker C: Right?
[00:15:43] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:15:43] Speaker C: Right?
[00:15:44] Speaker A: Yeah. That's great.
[00:15:46] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. Get them to give you the solutions. I always say it's like if you have all the answers written down on your palm, that your palm is glued to the back of your head.
[00:15:56] Speaker C: Right.
[00:15:57] Speaker B: You just don't know what the answers are. You cannot see them. But asking questions brings it out in front so that you can see it. So that's what asking questions does versus telling someone, like, here, look, here are the answers. And shoving it in their face. People don't usually like that. And then that also doesn't help for the future.
[00:16:16] Speaker C: Right.
[00:16:16] Speaker B: When there are new things that come.
[00:16:18] Speaker A: Up, new problems, especially as they grow and move into high school and own in college. And then when they become an adult.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a pattern. They start, the parents need to start when the kids are very, very, very, very young.
[00:16:35] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:16:38] Speaker A: I guess so part of that is motivational interviewing is. Yes, okay.
[00:16:43] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:16:44] Speaker A: Okay. And so for the people listening that don't know about that, it's asking questions of the other person and letting them come up with their own solutions.
[00:16:57] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:16:59] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:16:59] Speaker B: Yep. Because the solutions are in there. Even. I've worked with kids as young as 8, 9 years old.
They have the answers in their head. Just usually adults typically just want to give the answers because, for one, it's faster.
[00:17:13] Speaker A: You know, I don't have time for that.
[00:17:14] Speaker B: Yeah. It's going to take you a lot longer to think of it, so I'll just tell it to you.
[00:17:18] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:18] Speaker B: But that doesn't help them generalize. It may work that one time for that one issue, but when other things happen, they don't know how to solve a problem.
[00:17:28] Speaker C: Right.
[00:17:28] Speaker B: And how to think of ideas to figure it out. And then it also takes away the empowerment because then it's like, your idea worked. Fantastic. Not my idea worked. I'm capable of coming up with ideas.
[00:17:40] Speaker C: Right, right, right.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: And, you know, one thing that pops in my mind especially is at restaurants where the parents don't even ask the kids what they want.
It'll be like, and he'll have this and this and this, and she'll have this, this and this and it. It's like those kids, they have a voice.
[00:18:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:05] Speaker A: Let them own that.
[00:18:08] Speaker B: Right.
[00:18:08] Speaker A: You know, it's just.
I don't know, I don't want to say common sense because it can be different for different people, but it's understanding where that little darling's coming from.
[00:18:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:21] Speaker A: And what makes them tick.
So many of the teens these days just feel so much pressure, especially as it relates to social media and technology.
How do you address some of those issues in your coaching practice?
[00:18:45] Speaker B: So I always encourage a regular reflection of social media technology, all the different media usage. So what I mean by that is to have them, you know, again, regularly. And this is great for adults, too.
Think of the different apps you use, the different types of videos you watch. Right. The different types of media that you engage with.
And notice how are you when you walk away from it. You know, if you're scrolling through TikToks and every time you're done, the kids let the kid realize, like, it's been three hours. I didn't do anything I needed to do. Now I'm stressed.
How could I do this? And then they're upset. If that's a regular thing, take a break from TikTok.
Don't do it for a day, a few days a week. See how the mood you change in that time. Does it. Does your stress levels go down a little bit?
Are you a little more pleasant to be around? Are you noticing better Things happening. Because if so, I think that app, that type of video maybe is the culprit.
And I think this goes true for adults, too. Watching the news on a daily basis, maybe that brings you down.
Now, on the other hand, some media is really helpful. Right. Sometimes we can use, you know, inspiring videos to inspire us to get up and do something.
[00:20:09] Speaker C: Right.
[00:20:10] Speaker B: So that's part of a reflection, too. If you're like, oh, every time I watch these cooking videos, it makes me want to eat better.
And then I talk to my parents about buying healthier groceries, go for it. Well, that's a great kind of media to be using if it's helping you.
[00:20:28] Speaker A: Okay, cool.
Yeah, that's a lot for parents.
[00:20:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:33] Speaker A: And you know, like we always say, the little darlings didn't come with the donor's manual. There is help out there.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: Yes, yes.
[00:20:40] Speaker A: So as we're looking ahead at the Take It Back summit that we're doing this summer, what's one message or skill that you hope those middle school little darlings walk away with?
[00:21:00] Speaker B: I think a big one is kind of like what I was saying with shifting the thoughts around acceptance and different other types of things too. But generally that, like, right, they're in middle school. There's a lot they cannot control.
Right. A lot with their schedule, with people who's in their life, what they have to do.
[00:21:17] Speaker C: Right.
[00:21:18] Speaker B: Out of their control. But you can always control how you think about things, how you react or respond to what's going on. That's not going to change what's going on, but it's going to change your attitude, it's going to change your mood.
And I would like them to be able to really get that and understand that if I change how I think about something, everything else, how I feel then is going to change.
And if how I feel changes, what I do on the outside is going to change.
[00:21:48] Speaker C: Right.
[00:21:48] Speaker B: And that's one thing I can control.
[00:21:52] Speaker A: So. And as we look at that particular piece of it, what's something that a parent can do to help reinforce that after their child attends the summit or even attends a session with you, what.
What can that parent or caregiver do?
[00:22:15] Speaker B: So similar to what you were saying previously, Phil, about don't not yelling at each other. Right.
Be the role model. That's always my big thing with parents. Like, you are the role model. Even when your child is acting like they're not listening, they're pretending they don't even know you exist because that's what their hormones are making them want to do, they Are they hear you, they see you, they feel your energy.
And if your energy as a parent is stressing out about something that's going on at work and not letting go of your negativity.
[00:22:49] Speaker C: Right.
[00:22:50] Speaker B: That's what your kid's going to do.
If you, as a parent, can start to train your mind, train your own thinking and kind of like model it in the sense of talking it through. Right. And this thing happened at work today. It was really frustrating, and I didn't want to stay frustrated about it coming home. So while I was driving home, I started replacing my thoughts and really thinking about what was going on. You know, reality check. Okay. My boss, you know, declined my project idea. It's not because I have bad ideas. It just doesn't fit what they need.
So I'm not going to stay stuck on that. I'm going to move forward.
[00:23:31] Speaker C: Right, right.
[00:23:32] Speaker A: Time to move on. Accept and move on.
[00:23:34] Speaker B: Yeah. And come up with a different idea, maybe. Right, right. And so to kind of speak that out loud for your child, that, for one, like, shows that you're doing what you think they should do.
[00:23:45] Speaker C: Right.
[00:23:45] Speaker B: And that means more. And also to show that issues still happen in adulthood. It doesn't stop when you get. When you grow up.
[00:23:54] Speaker C: Right.
[00:23:54] Speaker B: But if you learn how to deal with it, it's not going to bring your life down.
[00:23:59] Speaker C: Right. Right.
[00:24:00] Speaker A: Well, Heather, I really, really appreciate you being with us today. A lot of great information, and I'm really looking forward to having you as part of our team for the youth summit that's coming up.
[00:24:14] Speaker B: Me, too. I'm really honored and excited for this summit. I think a lot of kids are going to get a whole lot out of it, and I'm just super grateful to be a part of it.
[00:24:22] Speaker A: That's great. That's great. So, parents, if you want to know more about the youth Summit, go to takeitbackyouth summit.com and there's registration forms, the.
The schedule for the two days. It's July 22nd and 23rd at Carolina High School here in Greenville, South Carolina. And so we will see you later. And thanks again, Heather.
[00:24:48] Speaker B: We appreciate it. Thank you.
[00:24:50] Speaker A: Don't forget to, like, share, subscribe and comment on Just say Something podcast until later.
